Keeping Up with the Coal Crew: June 2023
Meet The Mascots That Characterize The Coal Crew
Despite putting on masterclasses in creativity on a daily basis, the cunning characters of The Coal Crew have yet to break ground on their long-awaited Coal College. Lack of campus aside, we’re jumping ahead to nail down the more whimsical details of our Funiversity with this month’s edition of Keeping Up With The Coal Crew.
We asked our faculty staff a simple question: If they were building a school after your likeness, what would your mascot be?
Surprisingly, none of our loyal workers chose coal to represent their imaginary institutions (or the nation’s most popular mascot, the bulldog [1]). Despite this, they did come up with some rather interesting picks.
Jesse – Carly the Inflatable Green Couch
Jesse is a certified aficionado of the early 2000s. So, after a hard day of learning HTML to customize his Myspace profile, he likes to kick off his torn-up low-rise jeans and watch Lost in the most painful position possible.
Jesse admits that inflatable furniture “wasn’t comfortable or practical, but man, did it look sick.” And, honestly, anyone who’s ever worn a full mascot costume can tell you that’s pretty much par for the course.
Holly – The Coner
Head honcho Holly wants to give back in the sweetest way possible with her mascot of choice: an ice cream cone. That’s why, if you’re heading to a match at the Hollydome, there’s no need to pay exorbitant prices to enjoy frozen dairy delights. The Coner hands out free ice cream like it’s going out of style, baby!
Is it your birthday? Well, it looks like you earned some free ice cream. Holidays? Ice cream. Wednesday? Ice cream!
Nursing brain freeze from an ice cream overload? More ice cream’s the cure!
Where are you going? Get back here and eat this ice cream!
Mia – Girlblin The Girly Goblin
Petite Mia didn’t only pick a goblin because she’s “small and cute.” According to her, she also shares the same posture and expression as these fabled creatures.
In Western folklore, goblins are mischievous, and they get a kick out of pranking others and watching them suffer [2]. So, the next time Nickelback is blasting over the office speakers, the crew can safely assume it’s Mia’s mischief and not Jesse’s obsession with Dad Rock.
Will – Sleepytime Bear
Whimsical Will’s mascot represents the strong guiding principles he envisions for his students—namely courage, respect, fairness, and the ability to nap in any situation.
Sleepytime Bear teaches us that it’s okay to catch up on some Zs every once in a while—so don’t be surprised when his fans show up to a match sporting pajamas and pillows. We asked Will to elaborate on his mascot’s qualities and characteristics, but he was already embroiled in an afternoon siesta.
Jay – Captain E. Bara
Capybaras are the world’s largest rodents and, like Jay, are found primarily in the jungles of South and Central America [3]. Scratch that, Jay can mostly be found at her desk, coordinating video production.
What the two do have in common, however, is an affinity for adopting strays, lounging in stagnant pools of water, and feasting on whole melons.
Yes, that means the concession stands at The Jay Center only offer cantaloupe and honeydew, and no, you can’t have a fork.
Samuel – The Dairy Dancer
Samuel’s one-time use mascot is seeking revenge for all the times his digestive tract lost a match to a glass of milk or a slice of pizza. The Dairy Dancer has one purpose: infiltrate the belly of the beast by causing havoc in milk’s stomach.
Between Holly’s Coner and Samuel’s Dairy Dancer, there’s already a fervent rivalry developing in the National Coal Athletic Association. So, when these two adversaries face off, expect a showdown of the milkiest proportions.
Leah – Baby G.O.A.T.
Leah, much like a baby goat, is “cute, sassy, and enjoys screaming at random times.” The latter is actually a quality of all certified sports fans, so Baby G.O.A.T.’s hordes of rowdy followers will provide the perfect atmosphere at every game.
While not exactly striking fear in the hearts of their opponents, baby goats do love to graze, so the grass at Leah Yards should be the Greatest Of All Time.
Samantha – Cunning Crow
Crows are some of the smartest members of the animal kingdom. They can use tools to solve difficult puzzles and display a level of logic higher than graduates of (insert your alma mater’s rival here).
Samantha’s Cunning Crow would patrol the campus at night, picking up shiny objects to trade to students for pistachios by day. After swapping you for a trinket, she’ll move on to deal with future business—but you’ll always be left with the memory of the day your life was touched by the Cunning Crow.
Travis – Dangerous Dan the Reckless Armadillo
Travis’ mascot choice is a throwback to a codename he used to have while working for [redacted]. During his time there, he had a penchant for getting involved in dangerous missions, which is why he ended up in [redacted], [redacted], and even [super redacted].
When asked what sports his school would take part in, Travis simply said “Dangerball.” When asked for an explanation, he claimed there was nothing he could say that wouldn’t immediately be redacted.
Jeremy – Junk Jeremy
Imagine the Jeremy you’ve always known and loved, but with an impossibly scraggly beard, crusty white T-shirt, and eerie, otherworldly qualities. That’s Junk Jeremy, a disheveled space beast who fell from the interstellar.
50% improv kid, 50% kickball legend, Junk Jeremy can tear up the stage or the diamond (No bunting!).
Camaryn – Honey Badger
Camaryn says this video about her mascot speaks for itself. If we had to add something, however, it would be this: Camaryn’s reverence for a decade-old meme shows that, while honey badger may not give a sh*t, Camaryn certainly cares deeply for obscure relics of popular culture.
Matt – Maple Matt
Speaking of relics of the past, Matt chose a tree as a mascot, not in honor of their grandeur and majesty, but because he went as one for Halloween and wants to reuse the costume.
Trees are fine choices for mascots on paper (ironically). But, when 50,000 fans cover themselves in sticks and leaves and try to jam into his school’s stadium, he’s going to wish he chose something less bulky.
Alex – The Big, Bad Bloodhound
Alex admits that bloodhound “is a surprisingly menacing name for such a ridiculous beast,” but he just can’t resist their weird, saggy faces.
He envisions his big, bad boy standing outside of a marketing agency (Coal, perhaps?), sporting a jersey, and (presumably) cheering on clients as they walk in.
Sources:
[1] Holroyd, Caitlyn. “Infographic: Most common mascots among Division I schools”. The Score. [Online], Available: https://www.thescore.com/. [Accessed June 9, 2023]
[2] “Goblin”. Encyclopedia Britannica. [Online], Available: https://www.britannica.com. [Accessed June 9, 2023]
[3] “Capybara”. National Geographic. [Online], Available: https://www.nationalgeographic.com. [Accessed June 9, 2023]
